This Mothers Day made me think again on what a broad spectrum of skills it takes to do the job of mothering - more than any other really. So much multitasking. A job for life. There is no "statute of limitations" nor deadline when one can clock out. No turning away and looking the other way! No giving up. Never.
And it's a tough job. It's a judged job where the judges are people who parent differently, who question our "philosophy" our "methods" and "techniques" and who force us to doubt ourselves...even judge ourselves. As if only some special people know what our babies need. We're encouraged to breastfeed our little ones and then we're criticized about feeding in public (as if babies were polite enough to wait till they get home) or on how long we're supposed to continue. They, these critics, sit behind their computers and make statements about how inappropriate it is to nurse past a year. As if it pained them. They're offended by naked breastfeeding breasts but find nothing wrong with Kim Kardashian's exposed mammaries. As if breasts are supposed to be exposed in lace on billboards and ads but not in front of a baby's face. As if it were wrong somehow to give our babies what they need. Whatever kind of parenting these "experts" did themselves is what they are in one way or another justifying. If they did not breastfeed, they will say that "millions of babies are brought up on formula and thrived." If they felt that babies are "spoilt" by holding them and tending to their needs,attachment parenting will go out the window. And so it goes. Books and magazines tell us how to do it. The media criticizes us because we do it. Everybody seems entitled to give us advice from pregnancy till the kid is out of the house. And guess what! Nobody's asking the baby!
In this computer crazed world we live in, the judgement comes quick and in an avalanche. While there's never been more information at our fingertips, it's really up to us to carefully discern where this information is coming from and how it was obtained. Research papers funded by pharmaceutical companies try to push their agenda while everyone spits out statistics on this or that. And there we are, with our little baby, maybe living far from parents and friends, trying to make sense of what all the experts are telling us. And yes, we were not born "knowing" so we need these bits of info to help us in our work. And the work is constant. It's physical at first and then it's joined and intertwined with the emotional, with the spiritual. It's exhausting and of course exhilarating.
When I had my kids, I too was living very far from my family and there was no internet but there was Dr. Spock! Instead of the computer, it was his book that kept me company when I was trying to figure out what I could do for the million and one things that were new to me then. He always gave common sense advice and not too much of it. He gave me the basics and then left me to do the job. I so appreciated him. The index in his book is probably the best I've ever seen. Everything that I needed to know was in that book and easily accessible. Google is no competition to the speed in which you could find exactly what you needed! Dr. Brazelton wasn't too shabby either!
As parents we do the best we can with what we've got. If we can surround ourselves with other parents doing the same job at the same time, we can help each other without judgement and with kindness and compassion. Cause we've all had the worries and the anxiety and we all want to do a good job. We don't all have to think alike and some of these folks will enlighten us with a different way to approach a particular problem that we may not have thought of and yes, we too can provide comfort, support and our own little tricks. There is much to learn in a moms' group. Things you admire in others as well as some you prefer to steer clear of and that can be from birthing to feeding to discipline to whatever. The important thing is to let everyone do what their gut tells them to do and to encourage that in each other. We're all going to try different things and some will work and others not so much. And its OK. That is what parents do.
Loving and respecting our little babies, these little versions of ourselves, is the most important thing to do. Listening and parenting like we live. With intention and love. Turn off the computer and look at your baby. That will be my only and most important bit of advice.
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